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Life Stories from Global Parents
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The only constant in life is change, and there’s arguably no bigger personal change than becoming a parent. It’s a transformation that’s often accompanied by a plethora of different emotions; from ecstasy to overwhelm and everything in between. How we see ourselves internally and how we view our place in the world shifts, influencing our thinking and behaviours across every area of our life into the future. Add into this mix the fact that we are living in an ever evolving and often uncertain world and it becomes abundantly clear why understanding and appreciating how we – and our children – experience change is vital to our growth as a parent and a person…
As a psychologist specialising in personal and professional change, I am very aware of both the challenges and opportunities navigating change can bring. The whirring thoughts, feelings and emotions that often accompany change of any type can get in the way of paving a meaningful route through it. With different areas of our lives more intertwined than ever before, it can be hard to step back and see the best way forward.
I believe that communication sits at the heart of successful change, and storytelling is a powerful tool to help people engage with and take positive action through it. My hope is that this book will provide a richness of perspectives to connect with in small or sizable ways, offering parents a chance to reflect, learn, and align more closely to the things that matter most to them.
In my practice dealing with children and parents the foremost important takeaway has been my observation that the well-being of the parent(s) directly impacts the well-being of the child.
As parents we each bring into parenting our whole selves. There is no compartmentalization to say that ‘this’ part is me - the parent - and this ‘other’ part is me - the wife/husband/sibling/friend etc. Very often I am asked by parents: “What is your opinion of me as a parent? Do you think I’m a “good” parent to my child? “What have I done “wrong” for my child to behave this way? Some parents ask if it’s possible to “fix” their child or the problem? And some parents just appear helpless and lost.
Invariably, the way forward to repair or heal the parent-child relationship lies with the repair/reflection and healing by the parent of themselves. If we want to raise our children to be kind, generous, empathetic, care for the environment, compassionate, hard-working, ethical, passionate, loving… then we must begin with ourselves.
In this chapter I talk about how to make this change happen! I outline some important skills that will help start the self-regulation process, albeit gently. I share many examples from my own practice and show how by engaging in our personal growth as parents and healing from any negative or adverse experiences, we can nurture emotional and social intelligence skills in children. It is my firm belief that our children come into our lives to teach us; they often hold a mirror which shows what we lack in ourselves!
“I don’t want to do this anymore.” I never thought I would say this about a career I’d given so much energy and time to over the years before having children. But motherhood changed me. I felt caught between two worlds and caught up in a lot of conflicting thoughts and feelings. I wanted to find my place as a parent and a professional but, in my first few months back to work after maternity leave, my route to get there remained unclear…
Social media tells us that we can have it all: the beautiful home, accomplished children, and a prosperous career. But as internal pressure to fulfil these (often external) expectations builds, we start to experience emotional overwhelm.
I believe that we shouldn’t have to decide between raising our children how we want and having a career that’s fulfilling. This chapter offers the professional perspective of a psychologist, told through an open and honest personal lens. It provides practical strategies described through real-life experiences on how to manage the many emotions that come with working parenthood and focus in on the personal values that really matter.
When I was six, my mother refused plastic bags at the local grocery shop or vegetable vendor. She insisted on carrying her reusable cloth bags. My brother, who is older than me and was more capable of understanding, would be told that landfills were our problem and, as humanity, we needed to do our bit. Even now, although she isn’t a famous environmental activist, she continues to lead by example, living a conscientious life.
Looking back, I now realise that my environmentally aware mother was teaching her children to love through her actions and words. When I had my daughter, I was sure that even though I struggled to become the perfect mother, I could teach her to make better choices that help her and others...
Leading by example is a great way to set the pace for any goal we wish to achieve. Something as small as telling our children that one shouldn’t pluck flowers or leaves from a plant is better reiterated to them if we show them how a flower survives longer on the plant than in a vase.
Being considerate doesn’t necessarily imply that we hold ourselves responsible for every problem around us, but consider our role in the issues that may arise and try to be a part of the solution instead.
I’ve come to appreciate that the best technique I can use to raise my child’s awareness of the world around her is by doing the right thing with her. This chapter shares lessons from our journey together so far.
As a child and adolescent, I grew up with my thoughts and belief systems strongly influenced by my Asian (specifically, Indian) upbringing. Though moving around a lot as a child did give me exposure to the diverse culture that India is known for, it was still within the same country, bound largely by similar practices and core values. As an adult and as a parent, I have seen three international relocations and experienced very different cultural fabrics from what I grew up in.
This has challenged me as a parent to evolve my own perspectives as I’ve journeyed with my family through environments and experiences quite different to those of my childhood…
Today, age-old stereotypes and norms, more specifically gender norms, deeply rooted in the patriarchal constructs are now being termed as toxic. Difficult conversations that used to happen in hushed tones or behind closed doors are now much more mainstream, with technology helping to break biased preconceptions. It’s important as parents that we confidently and openly have these discussions with our children.
In this chapter I share my path to becoming a gender conscious and sensitive parent, addressing my limitations that stemmed from my conditioned biases about gender.
This includes the steps I’ve taken to develop compassionate responses instead of the default, which used to be to ignore or avoid. By doing this, I hope to enable and empower other parents to have coffee-table conversations with their children about gender and other complex topics important in today’s world.
I, like many parents, have grappled with common questions about raising kids in a virtual world. How much should technology be a part of my kid’s growing up years? Does it really cause them harm? Don’t our kids need it to keep apace with the ever-changing world around? Then there’s the wider question about the impact our own behaviour as adults, both in terms of what we’re role modelling through our own screen time usage and the messages we give through the screen-based gifts we give to our children.
What I’ve come to appreciate is that each parent’s experience is unique, and each child is different. However, what’s common to us all is the desire to ensure our children’s mental, physical and emotional wellbeing is maintained. There’s no one-size-fits-all solution, but we can take a lot of valuable learning from each other’s experiences…
The screen-time appeal of TV, mobile phones, and tablets today is vastly different to the world in which many of us grew up in. Advancing technology offers super easy access; from a one-day-old baby to teenagers, everyone is sort of swaying to the dictates of the screen!
In this chapter I discuss how and why children are affected through use of screens – the positive as well as negative effects, the repercussions, and ways we can avoid/minimise adverse effects.
The situations mentioned in the chapter are all real scenarios. Parents can expect to read about experiences like their own as I openly share my learnings from parenting in the virtual world.
“I came up on the ‘postpartum depression radar’ again”, I said to my husband after our daughter’s 9-month pediatrician appointment. “They suggested journaling and if it got worse to see a therapist”.
I opened my brand new, beautiful shiny pink journal and closed my eyes. My heart sped up and my hands started to sweat. “Breathe…” I began to write.
Day one, giving this a try… WTF is my problem?!?! I have everything I’ve asked for and I can’t keep myself together.
My brain gets overwhelmed and I can’t calm down and I spiral into a panic… WHY WON’T THIS BABY GO TO SLEEP!
How do I get her to eat normal foods? I forget to feed myself and when I do remember / make an effort I don’t do any more than microwave some meals. I don’t want her to have a complex about food and eating like I do - how do I model good, healthy eating behavior?
I’m so lonely because I feel like I can’t share that I don’t have it all together. I hold it together on the outside (I think?) and then completely lose it in private…
How do I fix this?
So many parents, especially mothers, are feeling this false sense of failure if they are not everything to everyone. Perfection or the outward appearance of perfection as the expectation for mothers is unattainable and dangerous.
I’m hoping by sharing my story it will help others who are struggling and perhaps suffering in silence. Things have changed so much for our generation and the way motherhood is presented, especially on the Internet, which has had such a tremendous impact on our generation of parents (good and bad).
I didn’t fully appreciate the meaning and magnitude of the word ‘responsibility’ until October 3rd 2010 at 8:30 AM. My son - Adhruth – was born at 7:42 AM and then immediately admitted into the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit (NICU). At 8:30 AM I filled in his admission form. Answering my relationship to the patient, I became acutely aware of my role as a father. And what a proud moment it was…
Today, Adhruth is an energetic, bubbly, ever smiling, happy 12-year-old kid diagnosed with Autism. He is non-verbal, and formula fed through a G Tube in his stomach that gives him 60% of his nutritional needs. He takes a Growth Hormone injection every night, has been diagnosed with hearing loss and underwent surgery in his head to correct Chiari Decompression. But none of this stops him from living a happy life.
Since the day he was born, Adhruth has been educating me as I have fathered him. His birth and those early weeks in hospital taught me the value of the woman – his mother – in my life. Adhruth is not bothered by his environment, what others do, what others say etc. He lives his life happily bindaas. When he laughs, he really laughs! He laughs his heart out, mouth open, lips to the widest pointn and is laugh is incredibly contagious.
There are days when we as his parents think of Adruth’s future, and we are worried or irritated or get stuck in a negative thought cycle. He understands our emotions and will come close to our face and keep his lips on our cheek, acting as if he is kissing us. And we laugh. If there is one medicine that can make me forget all my worries, tiredness, and negative emotions - it's his laugh.
My Guru taught me the saying: “Children don’t need a reason to be happy. They can laugh for no reason”. Here is Adhruth as my teacher – showing me experientially how to live life that way, uncoupled from the belief that happiness is found in materialistic things. I will live my life like Adhruth – happily bindaas. What a great life lesson for a father from his son, who has not spoken a word yet. I hope this chapter offers others insight into Adhruth’s wisdom too.
As a child, when I went to my mother with a problem, with an illness, with a scratch or a scrape, she’d look at it, at me, and say, “Ya fine.” It became a running joke. We never missed a day of school. We didn’t cry. We tried not to feel sad, or at least not to show it. Now, at 38 years old and the parent of three young children, I’ve finally (started) to learn how to talk about my feelings, communicate what I need, and unpack a lifetime of people-pleasing and pressing down emotions. And you want me to parent like that too? Y’all are asking too much. How do you parent in a way you were not parented? How do you do it while you are still in process, still recovering, still untangling a childhood that gave way to an adulthood of gaps? How do you connect with a child and teach them to connect with themselves when you are still searching for you?
We live in a world of “gentle” parenting. We know now that, as parents, it is our job to support our children to learn to regulate their emotions so they can become adults who are confident in themselves and able to navigate the challenges of this ever-changing world. But many of our parents didn’t know that and did not parent like that. We are a generation of parents with one foot in the old and one foot in the new and the dichotomy of this is a lot to process.
I have focused a lot on my parenting and the strategies I use to get my children to eat, to sleep, to listen to directions, to not harm each other. It’s only recently that I’ve been forced to pause and reflect on myself and how the way I was parented impacts how I parent and feel about parenting. This has led me to zoom out and think about generational trends and how it’s more than just me. This chapter offers a mirror and a soft place to land for parents, like me, who are simultaneously processing their own childhood and building better habits, while trying to support their children to do the same.
On the one hand, the world has become very small. One minute you are talking to a friend in America from India, the next you are watching a soccer match in Dubai in OTT. You could be connecting with friends across the world on social chat, while talking to your mom next door and your sister next to you on the same couch. On the other hand, with so much content to watch and information to consume, the great benefits of digital connection also creates the potential risk that we expect too much of our children, and also that our kids set their expectation too high, due to lot more opportunity for comparison and holding ourselves up to perceived external expectations of what the world now demands of us. This information-overload can lead to our kids feeling overwhelmed. As parents, when we’re caught up in the distractions and high demands of today, are we missing our kids real need for support in just being…?
I believe this is important regardless of the age of our kids, because we as the parents are the true models. Kids learn from seeing, hearing, and feeling – what their parents do! The first few formative years make the deep impact of life. In Tamil – my native language – it is said: “the flexing has to happen by the age of 5, or it would not happen till 50”. And I believe in the universal truth that if a seed is sown it will grow; all it needs is a little nurturing over time. Clearly, it is the responsibility of all the adults in a child's life who support and encourage them; both father & mother, that really flexes the formative brain of the kid. The question we need to ask ourselves is: how do our children experience the way in which we're interacting with the distracting and demanding world around us?
This chapter offers my learning to help other parents reflect on how to be the role model you want to be and give the experiential learning that will support your child’s true development. To be true to who you are and be supportive and accepting to the real self of your kid. I will share my personal experiences on how I have supported my kid to be “gravitated” to living, being true and real to themselves and others. And most importantly enjoy their life! My hope is that with this understanding he can become fruit bearing, water bearing or just be a shade in this universe.
I never expected to be wearing the hat of both parents’ when I stepped up to the role of parenting, having to hustle between work and life. This was very hard during the initial phase of bringing up a child. I was unprepared when life’s curve ball hit me.
I was left in a circumstance where I could not choose between my career and being a parent. My spouse was non-existent in the parenting arena, and I was grappling to come to terms with that fact. As we were not yet divorced I had to be financially stable to care for my newborn child, while also learning the ropes of parenthood. This struggle to bring a balance between the roles of a new Mom and the demands of a full-time job outside home negatively impacted my parental connection time with my growing child.
My social conditioning at that stage gave rise to an unhealthy parental habit of fulfilling all of my child’s wishes as a compensation for my absence in his life, which ended up making him adamant, entitled and unwilling to accept a NO even when his demands were unrealistic or unjustifiable.
As I matured in my parental journey, I realized the importance of parental involvement and the positive impact it can have on the emotional and psychological well-being of the child. That I could still meet the physical and mental needs of my son, whilst also putting clear parenting boundaries in place for both of our benefits.
Moving from the school of parenting of yesteryear and transitioning to the parenting needs of the digital era has been a long and arduous journey, yet a necessary one. It was along the way that I realised the importance of open communication with my child to understand him better, know his interests, potential, and everything else that was important and close to him. To understand his world, so that I would be in a position to support and enable him to face the world that he will grow up into.
They say, it takes a village to bring up a child and my village includes my parents, my sibling and his family.
I strongly believe that experience shared in this book will help other parents to align themselves in the direction that’s right for them.
Open communication and a joint family system plays a major role in this, providing the parent(s) and the child(ren) the necessary comfort and safety net to survive and tackle the scary and expansive changing world.
The significance of silence, importance of NO in parenting and the immense strength that is offered when we have elders in the family acting as a bridge when we must sail through the challenges that can crop up in the parenting journey are a few things I would share in my chapter.
The LGBTQIA+ community is a minority which includes gender expression, gender identity and sexual orientation that is different from our norm. Many of us consider the ‘binary’ of male and female genders who conform to the sex they were assigned at birth or ‘straight’ people, eg, women that are attracted to men to be normal. Did you know that 1-2 in a 100 people are intersex? And yet they often go through non-consensual surgeries when they’re little. There are attitudes, misconceptions and then there are laws. Almost 67 nations still criminalise LGBTQIA+ folks outright and many have anti-LGBTQ+ laws. Lack of knowledge, propaganda and falsehoods abound. It is a daunting world for LGBTQ+ kids to come out. For us as parents, practical steps on what to do if our kids come out to us can make all the difference to their lives (and sometimes can also be the difference between life and death). As the parent of an LGBTQ+ kid who embraced their child, life could not be more rewarding. I’ve had the honour of many kids come out to me and I work with many LGBTQ+ non profits. I understand it can be a journey which is why a practical discussion and a way forward is important.
In a world that has become increasingly accepting of the LGBTQIA+ community, as parents, we need to be prepared to support our kids through their life journey no matter what. Gender is a social construct. Kids that are ‘coming out’ are often unsure about how their parents or community will react and they don’t quite know how to be themselves. They don’t have access to resources, they don’t know who else is on the journey like them and their mental and physical health could suffer. In the US, every 45 seconds an LGBTQ+ kid attempts suicide and this is the second leading cause of death in this category. According to the major suicide prevention non-profit, the Trevor Project, just one accepting adult can reduce this statistic by 40%. Be that adult, save lives! We understand that it may be a journey for you to fathom but remember, your child is vulnerable. The LGBTQ+ community is not just fighting for their rights but their right to exist and be, and this is where being ‘parent bears’ can make all the difference. The first step is to educate ourselves, not just for our kids who may or may not be LGBTQ+, but for a vulnerable minority and for creating systemic change.
I hope my chapter will give an insight to parents about everything related to their LGBTQ+ kids coming out, openly. To honestly address misgivings…To educate themselves about the community so they can have an understanding, be allies and ‘be the change’ in creating a more inclusive, accepting, loving, just world for all kids. If their child does come out to them, how do parents help them navigate their journey? How do they offer support? How do they address this in their community? Where do they turn for resources and what resources can they offer their kids? Are there GSA clubs or LGBTQ+ friendly colleges? Are they safe from bullying? Did you know that 9 out of 10 LGBTQ+ kids report bullying or harassment (GLSEN). Do they have gender dysphoria or any mental health issue and need to see an LGBTQ+ affirming therapist? What are their pronouns? What is their chosen name? How can you honour them? How can you make this journey easier for them? All parents are well meaning but not all are well informed. I hope to bridge that gap.
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Most parenting books available today are functional guides. Not a single one discusses how to become reflexive parents ourselves, attuned to our times. This is an emotional support book for parents raising kids in times of change and uncertainty. In an evolving world that’s fast-paced, unpredictable, ambiguous, and often different to our experienced childhoods, for better or worse. It’s a collection of honest and unfiltered stories from a group of international parents who hope that through openly sharing the highs and lows of their parenting journeys, they can offer reassurance, guidance, and friendship to others as they navigate theirs.
Why should you support this book?
Estimated Date of Publication: 30th October 2023
Manuscript is currently a work in progress
The title,cover design, and other metadata are tentative and may differ from the final published book
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Jayne lives in London with her husband and two children. Originally from Scotland, she is an Occupational Psychologist working with global teams through organisational development and change. Jayne is also the founder of coaching and development consultancy – Parenting Point – and she is passionate about supporting people as they navigate working parenthood. Jayne talks openly about her own struggles juggling work and home life and how she uses psychology to feel more confident in her parenting and professional choices. Outside of work, Jayne enjoys nothing more than spending time with her family in the great outdoors.
India
Aarthi has 20+ years of multi-faceted experience in providing Consulting to EdTech Start-ups, Integrative Counselling & Community Development, impacting new-age entrepreneurs, diverse student and family populations. Her international relocations enriched her expertise to apply global best practices in any local context. Pursuing her passion in Counselling Psychology, she runs an exclusive life skills programme - ChangeMakers - for teens and young adults, to inculcate the aspects of problem solving, holistic well-being, and being a learner for life like herself. She is an alumna of BITS Pilani.
India
Anjna is an English teacher with immense love for nature, books and animals. Currently living and learning from Bengaluru, Karnataka after having lived and worked across India.
India
Jaita Mullick is a learning strategist with a career spanning over 15 years. Overtime she dabbled in various vocations starting from mentoring and teaching, banking, corporate training and communications to editing. Originally from Kolkata, India, she is a social activist by passion and a momblogger with an adventurous streak which keeps her and her little one busy exploring Bangalore and beyond!
India
Chandrika is an educator and a certified counselor. She has a combined experience of more than four decades dealing with children and parents as an educator and later as a counselor. She brings her vast expertise in engaging with children and parents of different cultures and countries to her practice as a parent coach and counselor for children and young adults. Chandrika has a Masters in Curriculum and Teaching from Michigan State University and Advanced certification in Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) and Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT) from the Albert Ellis Institute, NY. In addition, she has continuously upgraded her skill set by getting certifications in Dialectical Behavior Therapy for families and children and in Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT). She is passionate about advocating emotional education as part of the school and college curriculum. She believes that imparting Social and Emotional learning skills (SEL) is key to achieving children's mental well-being. With the advent of social media, both children and parents find it challenging to navigate issues arising from the excessive use of technology and find it very challenging to deal with the mounting peer pressure. Parents also need the help of professionals to deal with the changing times and learn how best to support themselves and their children in this parenting journey. With this in mind, Chandrika started The parenting club in 2013, which offers coaching, workshops, and sessions for parents and children. Chandrika is a proud grandmother of two granddaughters and lives in Bengaluru, India, with her family.
USA
Jenna lives in Charleston with her husband and daughter. Born in NJ, Jenna has lived all around the northeast until finally settling in SC in 2018. She has gone through many stages of her career - a mental health specialist, special ed teacher, fundraising and special events and finally to business development and management for Witten Clancey Partners, their medical physics consulting company. Jenna is excited to continue to bring to the forefront the importance of conversations about parenting and mental health. Outside of work and family, Jenna loves to spend time at the beach or on the water and organizing outings for friends.
USA
Yagya is a Technology Project Manager by profession, working with Software, Infrastructure & Project Management for over 23 years now. When he is not spending time with family, he is usually working on projects. Originally from India and now living in the US for last 10 years, has given him different perspectives on life with a special needs child and how different parts of the world sees, supports and empathizes with them.
Denise is a reader, writer, partner, mother, and friend. She is from Long Island, New York and now lives in Houston, TX with her husband, three children, and dog, Blue. Denise has 16 years of experience working in K-12 education and loves facilitating communities where people can connect and grow.
Krish Rajamani is a curious learner, hard & smart worker, explorer of nature & food, vivid seeker & giver. He has 22 years of professional and varied career experience as a software developer, hedge fund business analyst, global co-ordinator, and finance system head - supporting programs to transform systems. He’s a coach to people truly looking to transform, and a leader of people in support of realising individual & organizational visions. As a learner of NLP over 7 years, this has helped Krish discover a lot about himself & others in the ecosystem. Krish is grateful of the opportunities he’s had to support people transform their lives, their state & help them just move forward. Krish is a strong believer that to be happy, you should support other people to be happy, and the world then becomes better place to live every day!
I am a simple, fun-loving person, who worked in the Telecom Sector and as a Head of Order Management and Forecasting in Supply Chain with a UPS manufacturing Company for over a decade. In the quest of exploring new avenues, I have spread my wings into the Marketing division in a FMCG Co. currently. Ardent lover of Sarees and Jewel making eventually turned me into an entrepreneur – running a small boutique for Sarees and handmade Jewelries during the weekends. Following the passion of what I love has made me who I am today. A Career woman, An Entrepreneur, A Mother and A responsible Daughter and my name is Preetha Bhaskar.
USA
Anuradha Gupta (Anu) (she/her) is a Certified Ayurvedic Practitioner, Engineer, MBA, Meditator, Writer and 200 hr. Yoga Teacher. She is an Ayurvedic Doctor-in-Training who will graduate in end 2023. She is a Faculty, Content Specialist and AP Mentor at Kerala Ayurveda USA. She lives in California with her husband and is the proud Mom of two beautiful kids and lovely cats. She is a prolific writer who writes about Ayurveda, sustainability and LGBTQIA+ rights for Art of Living and Kerala Ayurveda. She studied “Queering Identities” and is an active LGBTQIA+ advocate. Anu is on the Board of her local PFLAG Chapter. She was a Guest speaker advocating for LGBTQ+ issues at “Desi Moms”,” Queer Story Time”, her Engineering School, BITS, Pilani on “Embracing LGBTQ+ in the Family” and at San Ramon Diversity Coalition. She volunteers for many nonprofits like Art of Living, Project Welcome Home Troops and Free Mom Hugs. Following in the footsteps of many Mama Bears, Anu is a non-denominational Minister who can officiate LGBTQIA+ weddings and was featured by the Universal Life Church. In 2021, on behalf of the Human Rights Campaign, Anu represented the LGBTQIA+ community at the US Senate to advocate for the Equality Act. Anu was on the DEI committee of the National Ayurvedic Medical Association in the US for a year. In the Ayurvedic field, she is working hard to make the space LGBTQIA+ affirming. Anu hopes to leave the world a kinder, happier, more inclusive and just place.
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